As I write and you read this, it is only to be brutally honest with myself NOT to gain any empathy with you! If not now maybe down the road someone may go through what I am experiencing, and they will not feel alone. Or during I may have a realization as I share.
This week has been an extreme undertaking. In our chip business we are smack dab in the middle of our busy season. Meaning when I am home it is catching up with family as we prepare product, and quickly getting my house in order for me to leave town for 4 days. Repeat this each week for the past month or better and for the next couple of months. I confess it has been an EXTREME challenge to keep up with the assignments for this class. I am determined to create a different NOW and future than I have had in the PAST. I know and acknowledge this experience is KEY in my life! During this season on Sunday’s I am able to listen partially to the class for I am at shows working and I must re watch when they replay on Tuesdays. That is 3 days of valuable time I am reading all material I can to fill in the blanks until I watch video fully. It has been a struggle for me. I have had thoughts of hopelessness, giving up and anger. To implement all things necessary for the coarse, most I can take on the road, however there is much that comes from having a familiar and steady environment to create the harmony and stability for these exercises to click and sink in. ( that during this time I am lacking)
During these transitions, I am having to drastically change my DMP and PPN’s this far in the game. Why? Because I loathe the works I have written. It resonates with me differently as I grow in this process. Yes this wonderful to have what is real and right! BUT to get it written during my current situation with being on the go, and activities in place concrete (movie poster, shapes, etc…) challenge!
Two days this week, (I kept telling myself my mental diet was fine, I am not holding negative thoughts, I am letting them go) as I was home getting things prepared and my home in order, I experienced a great pressure I was under, my attitude was snappy and nothing flowed as I wanted it to. I hadn’t felt this way in years and I hated it! (Reality for my mental diet…I was fooling myself that I was ingesting good, when I needed to admit a redo) I was very critical of myself, my children; all things that needed to be done were done with anxiousness and the atmosphere was heavy. I prayed, and still persevered and worked on everything I know to do. I pulled my big girl pants up and acknowledged that I did not want to continue with this suppression and that even though struggling, I am making myself and those around me not the best we can be. So I surrendered! I surrendered to the fact that everything is not going to be text book with myself in this coarse. I surrendered making myself wrong for not being where I “should be” in this process! Yes, it is ideal that I am flowing along and everything is falling into place where I “should be” in the master keys, BUT that is NOT where I am. It is important, that I continue to do everything, and all things as suggested and prescribed in this coarse, BUT my life is not text book conducive to it. I am diligent to complete assignments and the order of activities, however, I am “behind” where the coarse is.
I will not give up. I will not surrender to this heavy burden that is an extreme old blueprint, that I have not dealt with in years that has tried to rear it’s ugly head from many moons ago past! It did throw me for a loop this week. (Definitely put the mental diet to a test!) I know that I am on the right track, if past wants to bring me to hault, and the evil one has thrown his arrows to destroy the righteous in me. My armor of the Lord and the main one being love will be my shield and I will overcome and be the hero in my journey! So glory be to the Lord in these lessons for I will be the better and so will those I encounter! I am thankful for this journey to press in with determination and intention.
On a positive note, traveling to my next destination on Thursday, with my 6 month old and my 13 year old, we broke down, in a shady area off the highway 4 miles from my destination. This experience was a grand one. I had a clear mind, approached this situation with peace, 40 minutes later I had found someone (the Lord brought into our path) Mike. Dressed in a suit and tie gave my van a jump start, a gallon of gas and followed us to the closest gas station for our safety! Such a fabulous display of harmony and generosity. (Then hit with chaos and frustration for the next 4 hours during set up of job) again, a process to pull up my big girl pants, and surrender. Surrender to what I think should be, and learn my attitude (heart) should be in the right place, let go of expectations, and allow life to work its harmony. As soon as I did and surrendered in asking for prayer from my husband (instead of I can do it), set up for the show went smoother and there was help that appeared when I (saw there wasn’t any), when I (ego) stepped out of the way, and I was being who I desire to be and was made to be, things fell into place and I was able to receive the blessings the Lord has for me. I.e. Help carrying heavy objects with a baby in toe, or working harmoniously with my daughter instead of expectations ruining and running my thoughts and in turn my actions. Unfortunately to start over on the mental diet, but a cause for celebration to be more aware of what my mental state brings to the table!
Again, this was to be brutally honest with myself. To put as a reminder and foot note experiences as I am on this journey. Hopefully to never repeat, and to gain insight and knowledge and capture the footprints, I can leave in this world. Good or bad…the choice is mine! To many more good footprints on the souls I leave with my children and others I encounter!